UFC 1-75 summed up in Tweets

The Fight Nerd November 10, 2011 0

MMA Journalist Jim Genia has seen it all in the world of MMA, having been there since practically the inception of the sport. His new book, “Raw Combat: The Underground World of Mixed Martial Arts“, just came out recently and we had a chance to speak with him as well about it to meet the author, but here is a chance to get to know the writing style of Jim better.

On his twitter account, Jim amuses himself by tweeting abridged versions of every UFC event ever. When I say abridged, I mean it as the tweets condense an entire show into under 144 characters. Take a look and enjoy:

Scrawny Brazilian beats all with complex hugging and squeezing moves, including boxer with one glove and Ken Shamrock. -UFC 1 in tweet form

Pat Smith kills a ninja, but is scared of Royce Gracie being on top. -UFC 2 in tweet form

“If you’re coming on, come on!” says Canadian with epic mullet. -UFC 3 in tweet form

Karate man Keith Hackney punches Joe Son in the nuts 40 times. And it’s legal. -UFC 4 in tweet form

Dan Severn uses t-shirt to wipe armpits and face, in that order, then wins tournament. -UFC 5 in tweet form

Tank Abbott sends Matua into convulsions and rapes Polar Bear. Still loses tournament though. -UFC 6 in tweet form

“Thai kicks to the leg: how do they work?” says Paul Varelans to Marco Ruas. -UFC 7 in tweet form

Man, Oleg Taktarov sure does bleed easily. -Ultimate Ultimate 1 in tweet form

Everything I know about being a man I learned from Don Frye’s moustache. -UFC 8 in tweet form

Hit the jump for the rest!

Tonight, on “So You Think You Can Dance”, it’s the rhythmic stylings of Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn. -UFC 9 in tweet form

The Juggernaut + double-leg takedown = Mark Coleman. -UFC 10 in tweet form

You know it’s a good tournament when Mark Coleman gets to the finals and there’s no one left for him to fight. -UFC 11 in tweet form

Oh my god Tank Abbott killed that man! -Ultimate Ultimate 2 in tweet form

“Hi, I’m Vitor Belfort and I’m here to punch your face off.” -UFC 12 in tweet form

Sure, this Randy Couture guy is tough, but he’s too old to have much of a future in the sport. – UFC 13 in tweet form

No way in hell will a kickboxer ever beat Mark Coleman OH MY GOD MAURICE SMITH DID IT!!! – UFC 14 in tweet form

No way in hell is Vitor Belfort ever going to lose to anyone OH MY GOD RANDY COUTURE DID IT!!! -UFC 15 in tweet form

Sakuraba and Conan Silveira had such a good fight earlier in the show, maybe we should let them fight again. -Ultimate Japan 1 in tweet form

“I like Igor Zinoviev. I think I shall retire him,” said Frank Shamrock. -UFC 16 in tweet form

“Hmmm, I wonder what shin tastes like?” said Mark Coleman. -UFC 17 in tweet form

“I really like Mikey Burnett’s shorts. Do you think he’ll mind if I grab them?” said Pat Miletich. -Ultimate Brazil in tweet form

“I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,” said Bas Rutten. -UFC 18 in tweet form

“Gay Mezger is my T-shirt,” said Tito Ortiz. -UFC 19 in tweet form

Bas Rutten proves that you can win from the bottom, you just have to keep slapping. -UFC 20 in tweet form

Yeah, Marco Ruas is old. -UFC 21 in tweet form

“Beating Tito Ortiz in impressive fashion will be the last impressive thing I do in this sport,” said Frank Shamrock. -UFC 22 in tweet form

“We better do another show in Japan lest this Pride thing take our marketshare,” said Bob Meyrowitz. -UFC 23: Ultimate Japan 2 in tweet form

Jens Pulver can punch and Steve Judson has no chin. -UFC 24 in tweet form

“This long-distance thing isn’t working, Japan. We should see other people,” said Bob Meyrowitz. -UFC 25: Ultimate Japan 3 in tweet form

A UFC in Iowa with Pat Miletich, Matt Hughes and Jens Pulver. Whodathunkit? -UFC 26 in tweet form

Please don’t kick Dan Severn in the knee anymore, okay? -UFC 27 in tweet form

Jens Pulver sends John Lewis into retirement and Couture takes the last belt Kevin Randleman will ever have. -UFC 28 in tweet form

“OK Japan, just this last time. But that’s it. I mean it,” said Bob Meyrowitz. -UFC 29 in tweet form

Tito Ortiz slams Evan Tanner and Jens Pulver cries a lot at Zuffa’s first show. -UFC 30 in tweet form

“I’m going to beat Chuck Liddell and earn my shot at the 205-pound belt. BRB,” said Kevin Randleman. -UFC 31 in tweet form

“So tell me again why Elvis Sinosic is fighting Tito? Did he piss you off?” said Dana White to Joe Silva. -UFC 32 in tweet form

“I’m so excited we’re back on PPV! This is going to be the best UFC ever!” said Dana White. -UFC 33 in tweet form

Carlos Newton: “I’m going to defend my belt with a triangle choke.” Matt Hughes: “OK, knock yourself out.” -UFC 34 in tweet form

Pulver squeaks by Penn and Dave Menne loses belt to Murilo Bustamante via 2nd round diarrhea. -UFC 35 in tweet form

“I love the UFC and will totally be their heavyweight champ forever,” said Josh Barnett. -UFC 36 in tweet form

Matt Lindland is so good, Murilo Bustamante has to tap him out twice to get the win. -UFC 37 in tweet form

“Fox Sports Net is cool, but I really feel like we could turn a crappy network into something,” said Dana White. -UFC 37.5 in tweet form

“Heading to London to easily defeat a Brit striker who knows no grappling. BRB,” said Frank Mir. -UFC 38 in tweet form

Caol Uno, Din Thomas, Matt Serra and BJ Penn in a tournament for the belt-what could go wrong? -UFC 39 in tweet form

“Tito Ortiz vs. Ken Shamrock will be competitive. I swear,” said Joe Silva to Nevada State Athletic Commission. -UFC 40 in tweet form

Tank Abbott returns to make waves in the heavyweight division. Ha. NOT. -UFC 41 in tweet form

Yes, it’s true. If you kick Robbie Lawler in the thigh enough, he will say “ouch”. -UFC 42 in tweet form

“The UFC uses the Unified Rules? Since when? Man, I thought it was vale tudo,” said Wes Sims. -UFC 43 in tweet form

“Look, Tito, if you’re not going to use that LHW belt, I’m just going to take it for myself,” said Randy Couture. -UFC 44 in tweet form

Tank Abbott and team vs. Cabbage and team in a post-fight brawl? Unpossible! -UFC 45 in tweet form

“I’m going out to crush this little Hawaiian lightweight BJ Penn and keep my belt. BRB,” said Matt Hughes. -UFC 46 in tweet form

“I’m still relevant. I swear. Watch me fight Chuck Liddell,” said Tito Ortiz. -UFC 47 in tweet form

“I will not tap to any armbars,” said Tim Sylvia. “No matter,” said Frank Mir. -UFC 48 in tweet form

“You know what your eye needs? Thumb. Lots of thumb,” said Chuck Liddell to Vernon White. -UFC 49 in tweet form

“Savor this win, farm boy, as it will be the last time you ever beat me,” said Georges St. Pierre. -UFC 50 in tweet form

Evan Tanner wins when he’s supposed to lose, and Tim Sylvia loses when he’s supposed to win. -UFC 51 in tweet form

“Just wait ’til I get my hands on you,” said Randy Couture. “Not this time old man,” said Chuck Liddell. -UFC 52 in tweet form

Forrest Griffin-awkward-postfight-mancuddle! -UFC 53 in tweet form

Chuck Liddell defeats Jeremy Horn, and Joe Silva is officially out of ideas. -UFC 54 in tweet form

A 15-second main event + Sean Gannon = letdown. -UFC 55 in tweet form

And the “Best Seizure in an MMA Bout” award goes to… Nate Quarry! -UFC 56 in tweet form

“Just wait ’til I get my hands on you,” said Randy Couture. “Not this time old man. Again,” said Chuck Liddell. -UFC 57 in tweet form

If MMA fights were just one round long, BJ Penn would have totally killed Georges St. Pierre. -UFC 58 in tweet form

And then Andrei Arlovksi’s chin rode off into the sunset, never to be heard from again. -UFC 59 in tweet form

Matt Hughes vs. Royce Gracie, because friends shouldn’t let matchmakers match drunk. -UFC 60 in tweet form

The exciting conclusion to the Tim Sylvia/Andrei Arlovski trilogy that left fans begging for more. NOT. -UFC 61 in tweet form

Forrest Griffin vs. Stephan Bonnar II – because not only does lightning not strike twice, it’s also on steroids. -UFC 62 in tweet form

If MMA bouts were just two rounds long, BJ Penn would’ve so kicked Matt Hughes’ ass. -UFC 63 in tweet form

“I will have no problems striking with this Anderson Silva dude. I mean, how good can he be?” said Rich Franklin. -UFC 64 in tweet form

“From now on, Mr. Hughes, the only way you can beat me is with a bat,” said George St. Pierre. -UFC 65 in tweet form

Forrest Griffin cries, plus Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz something, something, something. -UFC 66 in tweet form

Travis Lutter loses title shot by failing to make weight, then loses via sub. See also, “fighter screws pooch”. -UFC 67 in tweet form

Randy Couture is too old and too small to OMG HE JUST CLOBBERED TIM SYLVIA!!! -UFC 68 in tweet form

GSP gets TKO’d because he – and the rest of the world – are unaware Matt Serra has KO power in his hands. Surprise! -UFC 69 in tweet form

Mirko CroCop suddenly and violently learns that he’s not the only one capable of landing crushing high-kick knockouts. -UFC 70 in tweet form

And so endeth the reign of the Iceman. Not with a whimper, but with a HOLY CRAP RAMPAGE KILLED HIM! -UFC 71 in tweet form

Meh. -UFC 72 in tweet form

Despite 19 prior UFC appearances, Tito Ortiz is shocked to learn that fence-grabbing is prohibited. -UFC 73 in tweet form

“I am unimpressed with your wrestling ability,” said Georges St. Pierre to Josh Koscheck. -UFC 74 in tweet form

After years of hard work, hard fights and bloodshed, Quinton Jackson finally gets his PRIDE championship belt. -UFC 75 in tweet form

BONUS: “I ain’t dead yet, muthafuckas,” said Tito Ortiz. -UFC 132 in tweet form

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