Gameplans For Surviving Fights with Movie Monsters

In case you haven’t noticed from the costumed children outside asking you for candy, it’s Halloween. And, along with the usual traditions associated with the holiday, it is the one night per year that even the most reasonable person who trains in combat sports wonders how his skills stack up against famous movie monsters.

So, should you find yourself across the octagon from a nightmarish beast at any time in your budding career or even casual practice, here are the game plans to use against various agents of darkness.

The following game plans assume the contest is held under the Unified Rules of MMA. While a fight between man and hellbeast might seem more suited for a Japanese promotion, these children of the night already have an existing fan base. The UFC would likely give them an attractive signing bonus to capitalize on the hype that most Japanese promotions may not be willing to spend.

Versus a zombie– This bout is one that many plan for even outside of the spooky season. But, while you may already have your perfect, creative idea for surviving a hoard of zombies, in a closed off octagon just one can be quite intimidating.

Just work the front push kick, or teep, every time he runs in. Zombies aren’t known for their creative thinking and are probably too set in their ways to listen to their corner and adapt their strategy. A solid push kick to creative distance in every engagement will immediately establish that you have the better octagon control.

While the teep is your main weapon, don’t be afraid to throw hands a little. Standard MMA gloves should protect your skin from the horrible infection of undeath. Just don’t risk engaging the zombie in a clinch. Circle out and away and work a straight jab and cross combination. At the end of round three you’ll take the fight 30-27.

Versus a werewolf– Unless you’re UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva, you do not want to be engaged in a stand up battle with a werewolf. The lycanthropic crime against nature may come out overly aggressive and afford you the ability to start dancing around and tagging him. But this thing has a gas tank to rival Clay Guida and one flurry is the difference between looking slick on your feet and a first round loss by technical mauling.

Solid takedown and submission games are essential to putting this dog down. So, if you’re not confident in your skills, start working now. You’re dealing with a lot of power, so switch-up takedowns like a single leg into a high crotch may be the best bet here. The end game strategy is to try and take his back as often as you can, as your only reliable finisher is the rear naked choke. If it works on lions, it will work on a wolf.

Hit the jump to learn how to beat Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kreuger, Michael Myers, Dracula, and more!

Versus a Cenobite from “Hellraiser”– So, you fell for the trap, opened the puzzle box during a post-fight interview and ended up getting called out national TV. With all the media hype of a gate to hell appearing in the middle of the Mandalay Bay you probably can’t duck this guy, but, honestly, it was a bad career move. All of them are equally dangerous and immortal but Pinhead is the only one with enough name recognition to get you a slot of the Pay Per View. More than likely you’ll be stuck combating one of the living manifestations of human excess and suffering on a Versus undercard.

Step one is to get new management.

Step two is to not let them get inside your head. It was often said that Mike Tyson’s opponents were beaten long before they entered the ring. And, when you take away the showmanship these guys really aren’t anything special.

Most of the Cenobites recorded victories have been with use of chains and hooks, which would never pass when the commission goes to inspect hand wraps. None of them are particularly quick nor well muscled. What you have is someone with stupid tattoos who likes to dress in black and talk tough, and you’ve beaten that guy every time he walks in from the street to check out the gym. In fact, this is normally the opportunity you take to show off. Dive immediately for a flying scissor heel hook and show no respect. Take your wipeout victory and move on to greener pastures.

Versus Freddy Kreuger – Freddy is one guy you do not want to put you on the ground. While known mainly for his striking/slashing ability, the worst place to be in a fight with Freddy is on your back. If Freddy is able to take rear-mount and work a rear-naked choke on you, work your submission defense swiftly otherwise you will end up taking a nap which could be your last.

Freddy often keeps his distance, loading up for power shots that are typically haymakers (since he’s, y’know, trying to slice your face off). If you time your attack to his swings, you can easily duck under and slip through for a takedown. The preferred way to deal with Kreuger would be to duck under and instead of going for the slam, climb up his back, secure your hooks, and work for a sleeper of your own. If he is wearing the hat, don’t be afraid to pull it down over his eyes to give him a slight vision disadvantage. The big question here is how is the state athletic commission going to find a way to get MMA gloves on his hands?

Versus Michael Myers– Unlike the other supernatural killers on this list, there’s already plenty of useable fight tape on Myers. See below:

We can learn a lot from the rocky start but ultimate victory by Mr. Rhymes. We see from the early kick catch that Myers has good reflexes but his election to take the shot rather than side step, combined with his Butterbean-like balance and grace, show that he’s clearly an easy mark for a prepared fighter. Use kicks to maintain range and keep them below the waste. Run out the clock long enough and there will be no need to win on points. As evidenced both above and in numerous other appearances, given enough time Myers will find a way to fall clear out of the cage and somehow hang himself.

Versus Jason Voorhees– Similar stylistically to Michael Myers in theory, but not necessarily in application, the killer from the “Friday the 13th” series can take a beating even moreso than Myers. Is it because of his strong chin? Hardly, since the monster’s jaw fell off by part seven.

This one is dependent on when you fight Voorhees. If you battle him from films 1-4, Jason is still human. If you battle him in parts six through the finale, you are dealing with the supernatural steroid-filled version (don’t ask about part five, we tend to ignore that one). Ultimately, Jason is an overgrown child with mother issues, and a brain the size of a cashew. Jason moves forward constantly, but has no lateral movement and even less defensive skills. He is like Mark Hunt in the way he absorbs abuse, then spits it back out full force when he is ready. Case in point, part 8:

So what can we learn from Julius? The first is not to look a complete doofus when punching an undead killer wearing a hockey mask. The second is to keep in the pocket and chip away with shots from an angle. He mainly advances only in a straight line, so take advantage of that and circle away from his power. Body shots should not be overlooked, and with the decomposing torso of Jason, you never know when one of those kidney punches just might land inside his kidney for good.

If Jason somehow has his machete (maybe the referee is Steve Mazzigatti and he wasn’t paying attention, it’s happened before), employ the same strategy of defense and avoidance, keeping away from his power side and doing your best to control the arm with the blade. The key to victory here would be to stay defensive rather than aggressive. It will be a war of attrition, but if you are patient, you can slowly work his body until he is no longer able to continue. Your other option is to let him cut you and hope the referee stops due to excessive bleeding and just forfeit, but chances are Jason will just stab the referee too.

Versus The Wishmaster– Just wish for him to not defend himself and get a ref stoppage. I don’t even know why you were concerned. As an added bonus, the carry over from the “no defending yourself” wish means you can just tee off on him when he bugs you to make your other two wishes.

Versus a vampire– Vampires are highly overrated based on their obvious physical attributes. The fact is, for all the superhuman strength, speed, and endurance they possess, these world-weary, posh, blood suckers just don’t have the eye of the tiger.

You get into a vampire’s head and he’ll fold like a cheap suit. Remind him about his teenage mortal girlfriend or his ambiguously homosexual, abusive relationship with the one that spawned him and he will lose all focus on the task at hand.

In addition, the vampire go to strategy of rushing up to you really fast, picking you up by the throat with one hand, and soliloquizing is a horrible idea in the cage. Think about the position. This damned soul has just done 90% of the work in setting up your flying arm bar for you. That’s a $60,000 submission of the night bonus and shot at a number one contender spot right there for the taking.

Versus a Jeepers Creepers– This fight is probably the most difficult the horror movie genre can provide. The Jeepers Creepers monster appears to be easy to damage, frequently getting caught and staggered by run away cars or school busses. But, no matter what you do to the creature, he always recovers without even acknowledging the damage done to him.

Putting him away is probably an impossible task. But the horrible monster from beyond has already logged multiple losses after having the clock run out on him, so it should be possible to win on points. His frail old man frame is probably small for his weight class and can be frustrated in protracted bouts against a larger, quick wrestlers. So, it’s chicken, steak, and explosive conditioning for you if you want to survive this bout.

Shoot for takedowns. Take a top position. Stay mobile because trying to hold one position will probably get you thrown off very quickly. The important thing is not to be a hero, as you can get reversed and punished at any time. Keep your offense to a short, quick ground and pound, and then switch position again. A dominant performance may be rough, but if you stick to the game plan you’ll be ahead on the score card.

The discussion of taking home decisive victories against movie monsters is open throughout Halloween weekend. Please feel free to comment on any lurking horrors I may have missed.

With additional help from Peter Lampasona

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